Self-Esteem and Assertiveness: Finding Your Voice

21 August 2025

Let’s face it—speaking up for yourself isn’t always easy. You know that knot in your stomach when you want to say “no,” but you say “yes” anyway? Or those moments when you shrink back instead of stepping forward because you're not sure if you’re "enough"? That right there is where self-esteem and assertiveness collide. And trust me, they go hand in hand more than peanut butter and jelly.

So, if you’ve ever struggled with expressing your thoughts, setting boundaries, or feeling confident in your own skin, this post is for you. By the end, you’ll know exactly how to reconnect with your voice—and use it with confidence.

What Is Self-Esteem, Really?

Let's break it down. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself at your core. It's your internal value system. It’s not just about looking in the mirror and liking what you see—it’s deeper than that.

High self-esteem means believing you're worthy of love, success, happiness, and boundaries. Low self-esteem? That’s when you doubt your worth and constantly seek validation from others.

Here’s the kicker: You can be successful on the outside and still struggle with low self-esteem on the inside. Ever met someone who seems to have it all but feels like a fraud? Yep, that’s imposter syndrome, a common symptom of low self-esteem.

Signs of Low Self-Esteem

- You apologize… for everything.
- You over-explain yourself.
- You stay quiet even when you disagree.
- You second-guess your decisions.
- You people-please and avoid conflict like it’s the plague.

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone—and you’re not stuck this way.

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is simply knowing your worth—and communicating it in a respectful, confident way. It's not about being aggressive or rude. It’s about standing your ground while respecting others.

Think of assertiveness as the bridge between passive and aggressive behavior. Passive means you let people walk all over you. Aggressive means you bulldoze over others. Assertiveness? That's the sweet spot right in the middle.

When you’re assertive, you don’t just speak—you’re heard.

Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness

Let’s clear this up because many people confuse the two:

| Assertive | Aggressive |
|----------|------------|
| “I feel uncomfortable with that.” | “You better not do that again!” |
| Confident and calm | Demanding and loud |
| Respects everyone’s boundaries | Ignores others’ feelings |
| Solution-oriented | Blame-focused |

See the difference? One builds relationships. The other burns bridges.

Why Self-Esteem and Assertiveness Are Inseparable

Without self-esteem, assertiveness doesn’t stand a chance. Think about it: If you don’t believe you deserve respect, how will you ask for it?

Self-esteem feeds assertiveness. And assertiveness, in turn, reinforces self-esteem. It’s a cycle. The more you stand up for yourself, the more you feel worthy. And the more worthy you feel, the easier it is to stand up for yourself.

The Inner Dialogue Behind Assertiveness

So much of this work happens in our heads. Before the words even leave your mouth, there’s a voice inside whispering things like:

- “You’re going to sound stupid.”
- “They’ll get mad.”
- “You’re being too much.”

If you’re nodding right now, it’s okay. This is all part of the process. The trick is learning to question that voice and rewrite the script.

Finding Your Voice: Step-by-Step

So, how do you go from silent sufferer to confident communicator? It’s a journey, but here’s your roadmap.

Step 1: Get Real With Yourself

Start by asking: What do I believe about myself?

Write it down. Be brutally honest. If you uncover thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “My opinion doesn’t matter,” this is where your real work begins.

Awareness is everything. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Step 2: Redefine Your Worth

Here’s the truth: Your worth is non-negotiable. You're worthy—period. Not because of what you do, say, or achieve, but because you exist.

That’s a powerful shift. And when you root yourself in that truth, it becomes a lot easier to speak up without fear.

Step 3: Practice Saying “No”

“No” is a full sentence. You don’t need a 3-page explanation. And you definitely don’t need to feel guilty for protecting your energy.

Start small:
- “No, I can’t make it tonight.”
- “No, I’m not comfortable with that.”
- “No, thank you.”

Each “no” is a little act of self-respect.

Step 4: Use Assertive Language

Words matter. Assertive communication uses:
- “I” statements like “I feel” or “I need.”
- Clear, direct language: “I’d prefer not to...”
- Open body language: eye contact, calm posture, steady tone.

Here’s a quick before-and-after:

❌ “I’m sorry, but I was thinking… maybe we could… I mean, only if you want…”

✅ “I wanted to suggest another idea. I believe it could work better because…”

Feel the difference?

Step 5: Embrace Discomfort

Here’s the raw truth: At first, being assertive will feel weird. Even scary.

That’s normal.

Your brain is wired for familiar patterns, and if you’ve spent your life tiptoeing around others, speaking up feels like breaking a rule. But keep going. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Think of it like going to the gym. You don’t lift once and expect overnight results. Same with assertiveness—consistency is key.

Step 6: Celebrate Progress

Every time you assert yourself, take a mental victory lap. Seriously, give yourself props.

Because change isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. And with each small win, your self-esteem gets stronger.

How Low Self-Esteem Hijacks Assertiveness

Let’s dig deeper for a second. Low self-esteem doesn’t just whisper hesitation—it shouts self-doubt.

Here’s how it messes with your assertiveness:
- You fear rejection, so you stay quiet.
- You crave approval, so you agree with everyone.
- You downplay your needs, because you don’t think they matter.

That’s not just unhealthy—it’s unsustainable. And it leaves you feeling resentful, drained, and disconnected from yourself.

Setting Boundaries: The Ultimate Act of Self-Respect

Want a quick way to boost both self-esteem and assertiveness? Start setting boundaries.

Boundaries say: "This is what I will and will not accept."

They’re not walls—they’re fences with gates. You decide who and what you allow in.

And yes, people might push back when you start setting them. Especially if they benefited from your silence. But that’s okay.

You’re not responsible for how people react to your boundary—you’re only responsible for holding it.

Examples of healthy boundaries:
- “I’m not available after 6 PM.”
- “I don’t discuss my personal life at work.”
- “I’m uncomfortable with that joke.”

Clear. Respectful. Empowered.

Real Talk: You're Allowed to Take Up Space

Repeat this to yourself: “I am allowed to take up space.”

Say it louder. Say it until you believe it.

You’re not “too much.” You’re not “overreacting.” You’re not “selfish” for having needs. You’re human. And your voice matters as much as anyone else’s.

Stop shrinking. Stop apologizing for existing. Start owning your space—emotionally, mentally, physically, and socially.

Final Thoughts: Speak. Up.

At the end of the day, finding your voice is about remembering this one essential truth: You matter.

Your thoughts, your feelings, your needs—they all deserve airtime. And being assertive doesn’t make you arrogant. It makes you honest.

So take a breath. Speak up. Say what you mean. And don’t just find your voice—use it.

The more you practice, the louder your voice will get—not in volume, but in impact.